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  • Zierra Danna

Don’t Tell Me I’ve Held Her Too Much

Don’t tell me I’ve spoiled her. Don’t tell me that she will be reliant off of me for her whole life. Don’t tell me she’ll sleep in my bedroom until she’s an adult. Don’t tell me I’ve done wrong. Don’t tell me you would never do that. Don’t tell me I’ve held her too much, because I accidentally blinked and now she’s no longer a newborn. Before I know it, I’ll blink again and she’ll no longer be an infant. I’ll blink and she’ll be a toddler. Again, and she’ll be in school. Again, and she’ll be a teenager. Again, and she’ll be off on her own. So don’t tell me that I can’t enjoy every second of love that I give her. Don’t tell me that my decision to work from home to be with her isn’t reasonable. Don’t tell me your opinion. Don’t tell me about finances, or time, or what you did instead.

I’ve spent every day of the last eight months with my girl and I don’t regret the money I didn’t make, the plans I’ve canceled, or the people I’ve upset along the way. Some part of me has always wanted to be a mother. Some part of me always knew that motherhood would be the prime of my life. Some part of me knew that I wanted to be a mom at this stage in my life. I wanted her in the chaos. I wanted her in my 20s because I spent every day since I was 14 working a job, or two, or three, or four at a time. I was always successful with my schooling. I was always successful in my jobs. I was always growing as a professional. I spent so much time making myself good at the many things that I’ve always had on my plate that I grew myself tired. I got into the rhythm of work, school, work, school, work, school. I forgot about a home. I forgot about making a real life when I wasn’t working or schooling. Sure, my fiancé and I bought a house together. We filled it with some decorations, and added a few furry friends so that it wasn’t so lonely when we got off our 12-15 hour long shifts. I still had this melancholy about me that couldn’t remember why I was working so much or why I was collecting the degrees that I have.

Having my daughter gave me a reason. She took my motivation that I’ve always had to do the many things I’ve always done and gave it a real purpose. Everything is now for her. Everything I do is to make sure that she’s living the best life that she can. Now I may not be gone 70 hours of the week because I’m at work or at school, but thankfully computers and the internet were created for us who want to work and collect more degrees in an online environment.

I made the decision to trade off a mundane life filled with long hours in a building filled with people who couldn’t care less about my existence with even longer hours in my own home with a little human who I am her whole world. I chose to spend all of my awake and asleep time with her so that we have an unbreaking bond. I chose to appreciate all of this time, not just for her sake, but for mine as well. I’m choosing to raise her in her home, rather than a daycare because mommy and daddy are always at work.

Is working from home easy? Are online courses easy? No, and certainly no. I’ve never been so tired in my life, but my trade off is that I get to have a little person run around my makeshift office in my living room while I write proposals, papers, and create beautiful things in the digital world. This life? I wouldn’t trade this for anything else. I’m happy and know that this is where I needed to be.

-Z

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©2020 Created by Zierra Danna Treshock